"We have to love until it hurts. It is not enough to say, I love." We must put that love into a living action, and how do we do that? By giving until it hurts." Mother Teresa

Thursday, February 28, 2013

cancer-is that an awkward title

I’m not really sure how to start this point. It’s awkward just putting it out there-like I have said it aloud several times, but typing it out makes me feel like my clothes don’t fit right.
Just in case you haven’t heard, my mother (calling her “mother” makes her sound a lot older than she really is J) found out that she has breast cancer again. Was that awkward for you? Because it was for mebut I’m awkward and ridiculous.

When I was in seventh grade mom was diagnosed, had her first chemo on my birthday, and then shaved her head at my birthday party. I guess at that point it wasn’t my birthday party anymore. I remember no one would shave her head except for Jenny. Then that’s about all I remember until I went to a radiation treatment with her.

Is it weird that I don’t remember? That year of my life is blocked from my memory. I’m okay with that-I know I lashed out at people unnecessarily, but hey I was in seventh grade and my mom had cancer. So here we are 15 years later, I’m older, my sister is older so hopefully I won’t block this year from my memory.

I also made the decision to be more aware this time, and not shut down-I think I’m too old for that. J 

So Mom is getting a double mastectomy. I mean at this point what is the other option? I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around the concept that when she looks down there will be no boobs to see, not having to put on a bra every day, and just the fact that something that has been puberty will no longer be present.

Mom wrote a list of “perks” I have my own “perks” and questions to add that are way more ridiculous, but they are thoughts I have had:
·        Will she experience phantom boob? Or phantom nipples when it is cold? Seriously though I feel like someone should do a study. The government will fund anything.
·        No more underboob sweat-ladies you know what I’m talking about. It’s so gross and awkward.
·        Get different size prosthetics. Brings accessorizing to a whole new level.

One thing that is truly amazing about my mom is how positive she is-and I mean yes I know it’s better than drowning in sorrow. But if my options are laugh or cry I choose laugh. I’m not a pretty crier. One thing Dad, Mom, Kim, and I do well is laugh. We make sick jokes that make people look at us weird, but we laugh. 

It still sucks. My mom still has cancer. 

is that awkward.? sorry i don't know where to take this entry now.... 


Cathy Willman said...

I love that your Mom is being so proactive as to do the double mastectomy, she's already shown she is brave and strong once, now she's gonna kick it's ass! And your humor isn't as wacky as you think, you're not alone in it, I love the idea of a perks list. :) More perks: No more having to apply deodorant underneath or in between on hot days. When she lays down there won't be anything extra hanging out in her armpit. No more having shirts hang funny. No more of having 1 article of clothing that has to be washed different than everything else. God Bless her. I'm praying for all of you.

jules said...

Thanks Cathy :)